Road To 23.

23 is here.

Photo by virginiebichet - Pinterest

you always saw your life as a movie. you know, from a movie lens. walking down the road, earphones in, listening to soulful songs, and trying to be a part of that. sometimes, those songs had a way of putting your life in order. other times, they weren’t as delicate as you thought.

you are caving in, many times. you are not finding solace in anything, not in anyone either. sometimes, every morning is another morning. on other days, you are in high spirits and pumped. nothing interests you anymore and you are beginning to enjoy this little life.

you enjoy the minute things. holding hands with the one you seemingly cannot stop loving. gushing over a crush you know you cannot own. sitting out with your parents, and talking late into the night. sneaking into your sister’s bed in the middle of the night. these things.

enjoying the company of your very sensitive friends. laughing at 2:45 with your roommate, as you both reminisce on your past secondary school days. watching and being proud of your brother’s cooking skills. this is your new life, one you got to enjoy, as you stumbled upon this truth in the late days of 2023.

21st April, 2024.

you are awake. but the first thing that comes to mind is the prayers you prayed earlier this year and how none of those blessings have visibly manifested. so you worry. again. then you remember, Isaiah 60:22. so you wait and hope, that one day it all gets better because that is all you can see. you get up from bed and start your day.

24th April, 2024.

you are sitting outside, on the balcony of your house, and because the light has been bad for a while, your fiber-one does not work. but nobody told you that as a lekki babe, there are cons. one of which is bad internet. so to get a stable network, you sit outside.

just there and then, the thought of the birthday habit crosses your mind. you suddenly remember that you always send out a newsletter on your birthday and that you have not even started writing any. there is a little panic, but you let it go.

25th April, 2024.

it’s 1:57 am and you are tired of watching K-dramas. A bit too cliche or cringe, that is your thought for the morning. You draw out your laptop to start writing a newsletter for 23, but not even an idea pops. it’s just an empty blank canvas. and, after staring at your screen for almost ten minutes, you hear your phone ring. it’s your sister calling you to bed, rather than have you sneak in. you close your laptop, turn off the light, and go to bed.

3:32 am.

you are lying in bed, staring at the chandelier of the room and running your mind through things that could have been. how you stopped running in junior school because your house mistress deemed that fit. how your friends from primary school made fun of you because they found out you had a crush.

how you chewed paracetamol because you were too fragile to swallow at age five. you continue to think of how forgetful you are these days, and it is the first thing you tell people when you meet them for the first time. you can’t quite decipher if it is a blessing in disguise.

you think of those random nights you sit and cry in silence because you cannot dare to wake your roommate who has an 8 am class the next morning. you think of how old your parents are getting, and why it is so difficult to do so much for them right now. you think of the movie date you promised your niece and nephew and wonder when you’d eventually fulfill that pinky swear.

you think of the times you let go of his hand, cried, and held on to God, and then wonder if you are doing well. you think of what the public thinks of your spirituality and if they think you are worthy of that. you think of your finances, if even in the years to come, you can afford the lifestyle you want. you think of all the rejection emails and the ones left unread. you are trying to have a mind of your own, but you can’t even decide if you want a smoothie or a parfait.

eventually, you start to cry again because that is all you ever do.

Photo from 400mile - Pinterest

28th April, 2024.

you are becoming invisible these days. so you think. nobody calls anymore, no texts, no random information on the next new show happening. no hitting the cinemas to see the latest movies.

all you have is a half-eaten pie in the fridge, a berry blast, and princess leonor’s swearing-in at parliarment playing on youtube repeatedly. you enjoy the royals. you never enjoyed the segregation, so whenever you get a call, you are elated. you beam with smiles and dance as David did in Psalms.

It is just your way of responding to the universe, thanking it for bringing you my way. so you accept it with open arms.

01st May, 2024.

it’s the first day of your birth month and all you can think of, is how you are failing at everything you do. you think of how bad April was, and that drains you. nothing excites you anymore and you do not crave change as much as you used to.

you would rather sit in your room all day, quiet and unapologetic, than be outside and act fake. your mom would come in several times without curtsey, because she can, after all, it is an african home.

you look at your family portrait, and a lot starts to make sense. you are maturing and your humor is becoming dark. you don’t fancy shoes anymore and you derive pleasure from loneliness. your faith starts to waver and you’re scared now, more than ever. you think of your academics, and even though it is your last year in school, you are skeptical about your grades. tired. worn out.

you just want to be left alone.

thinking about how to run away from home often crosses your mind and you couldn’t be more right when the opportunity presented itself. you take your losses with a grateful heart, even though you are hurt. you are easily attracted to frivolities and you worry this may land you in the wrong hands when you eventually go to the concert you fixed your lashes for.

your heart drifts to the love you have lost and how you could have made it better. you are in a better head space these days, so these things do not matter anymore really. you constantly think of the rift you are causing between you and your friends, but you cannot help it. every day you draw farther away, but you’re content.

all you can think of is the birthday shoot you want to feature in. because you said too many times, that if you didn’t do that, you would not forgive yourself.

03rd May, 2024.

it’s the last days of 22, and you are happy, how your mood shifted, you have no idea. but you have learned all through the past year, the true meaning of loving yourself and putting yourself first. you sit on your bed at 2:36 am and cry because this is the last time you will ever be this young. you wish you were already all over the internet because of your poems.

you have stopped tagging Amanda Gorman because she never replied to any of your tags. you do not want to try again, because you are scared of rejection or failure. you have a lot of unresolved arguments and unsaid words. the close friends aren’t so close anymore and so be it.

you draw back a lot but somehow you are comfortable. on some days, you feel like you are going around in circles and the beginning hurts even more after about thirty cycles. you may have stopped liking flowers, and have started craving boba and coffee. you want picnic dates, and want the camera close to your face when you take pictures now.

your thoughts on aging aren’t precise, but this year’s birthday is a lot better than all the last.

you are intentional this year. beautiful and aging gracefully. you even had a cake at your birthday shoot, even though you hate cakes. you feel like you are being noticed and the perfect Twitter frame of pictures is here.

again you ask, “why am i doing this?”

06th May, 2024.

it is the big day, finally. the pictures are here and you couldn’t be happier. you shed tears of joy because you finally understand the true meaning of making yourself happy. this is what you wanted. these are times you prayed for. but, you should think only good thoughts because the slightest error can ruin your day. as per the family tradition, your family calls you, and they pray endlessly. you appreciate the prayers, and go on, to other business.

birthday girlie

a few of your friends want a party. but you cannot afford a party because you didn’t think at 23, you wouldn’t even own a maggi cube. you want the birthday money but, the wishes are more important. you want your name and pictures everywhere. these are the blessings, you think. you just want to be happy to the very end of the day. because then you won’t be invisible.

you scoff and sigh at some people’s wishes, and some others, move you tears. you don’t expect much, but it hurts when much does not even happen. you have many things to be thankful for. a loving family. good health and a growing life. a growing career. you also have many things to be hopeful for. because this is what you have been reduced to. hope.

And even though the world keeps moving, and time keeps passing, all you can do is keep working. showing up. grinding. all in high hopes that, someday the universe will reward you. you are looking to build your faith even stronger in 23 because the universe has its way of working and one day it will be your turn.

so you put your name into practice. and wait. because this too will pass. and your faith will be evident.

you are happy. finally.